Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
