I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
