I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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