just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
