Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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