Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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