I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
