my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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