Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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