stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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