her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
