shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
