I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize