for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
