I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
