She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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