So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
