the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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