if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Terrible idea I love it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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