How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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