I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
