To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
