Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
