if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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