Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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