So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
