You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
