yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
