My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
