I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
