i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
