why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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