At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize