I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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