Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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