could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
