i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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