All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
