I am midnight drunk by noon
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
