i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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