I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
they need to just BURY HIM!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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