you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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