you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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