cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
