she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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