Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
