I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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