I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
What drink are we having for lunch?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
