did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So vagazzling was a success
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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