her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm too high and old for this...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
