Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
