I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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