Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
