These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Randomize