You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
